月记｜我本来对纽约无感

“理论是灰色的，但生命之树常青”

掐指一算搬来纽约已经两个月了。

九月底拖着三个大大的行李箱飞了十来个小时，落地的第二天就开始入职工作了。为了方便上班我住在了中城，走路几分钟就能到办公室，甚至晚上遛弯儿的时候在路上还能看到联合国蓝色的旗子。刚来的小半个月里朋友问我：你喜欢纽约吗？

我的答案一直是否定的。我猜可能是工作和生活的区域距离太近了，每天走在在midtown人人行色匆匆的大街上，我好像永远都走不出工作的状态。我还猜测可能是工作的压力有点大，我一直自诩是一个更适合呆在frontline的人，习惯于很微观的洞察，也更喜欢和实实在在的人打交道。所以刚刚开始在这里的工作的时候，我发现我被扔进了一个全是宏观政策、政治博弈、以及高级别会议的环境，每天有巨量的信息向我涌来让我手足无措。一开始我甚至很懊恼，感觉我好像看不到任何实质改变的发生，也不知道这些工作的意义是什么。所以，前半个月里我总是回复每一个问我是否喜欢纽约的人：不太喜欢，就是一个很城市的城市而已。

某一天和好朋友吃完饭逛完街，我一个人慢慢溜达回家的路上路过了时代广场。人流量很大，大部分都是游客。大家举着手机拍照录像，或者是和家人朋友们视频，向他们展示这就是纽约的样子。我看着人群，看着霓虹灯，看着往来的车辆突然很感概：但这是纽约诶 我真的一点儿也喜欢不起来吗？

然后我想起了一些别的瞬间：某一天和大老板一起去拜访乌干达驻联合国大使，听他们讨论如何给难民更多的就业机会，如何让他们自给自足。拜访结束以后老板问我：怎么样？ 你觉得抽象吗？我特别开心地说：一点儿也不。我从一线过来，你们谈论的所有抽象的东西，我都能在脑子想象到他们落到实地的样子以及会出现哪些问题。

也是某一天，跟了一段时间巴以问题的我突然看到了在黎巴嫩当战地记者的朋友发布的新闻，新闻里他戴着头盔讲述着贝鲁特的现状。我赶紧把最近UN跟黎巴嫩相关的记者会还有公开发言稿转发给了他，希望能够帮他稍微减轻一点信息爆炸带来的负担。邮件的落款处我没有写Best regards，而是写了Stay safe。

还有一天，去非盟开会快要迟到了，我踩着我的高跟鞋抱着材料和电脑跟老板一起飞奔在纽约的大街上。见到了非盟的大使，是一位很儒雅的女士，也听到了一通很真诚也很有内容的对话。更重要的是我看到了身居高位的非洲女性身上的温柔却坚定的力量，也慢慢地发觉，那些很宏观的谈话虽然不太落地，但在循序渐进以及你来我往的过程中，它能带给实地的改变却是结构性的。

我又想了想，除了工作以外生活其实也不错。周末吃吃饭逛逛街，偶尔去听听脱口秀，约上几个朋友一起往周边自驾去看看海，偶尔也当当热心市民，从“日行一善”这种老被我妈念叨的词里获得一些能量。老朋友也在身边。虽然隔得太远各自太忙见得不多，但某天我俩吃着老妈蹄花聊着天突然开始emo包起了眼泪，感概为何现在的生活和二十二岁时候的畅想不太一样。走心到一半儿她突然说：你等一下我要去拉屎，一会儿再哭。真的很无语，但这么看起来，这么多年过去了 我们其实一点儿都没变。

写到这儿突然有点感动，因为其实纽约待我不差。虽然我的很多感慨、迷茫，甚至对自我的怀疑和对外界的质疑都来自于它，但我也要感谢它能让我有机会去推翻从前，重新去理解这个世界。我也需要感谢自己这种持续的流动，从一个极端到另一个极端的流动。

虽然到现在我还是自诩为一个更适合呆在frontline的人，但谁知道呢？理论是灰色的，那就不如保持流动吧。因为：理论是灰色的，但生命之树常青。

Two months have flown by since I moved to New York.

I hauled three massive suitcases on an over-10-hour flight, and the very next day, I started my new job. To make my commute easier, I chose to live in Midtown. The office is just a few minutes’ walk away, and during evening strolls, I can even spot the UN’s blue flags fluttering in the breeze.

When friends asked me in those first few weeks, “Do you like New York?”

My answer was always no.

I think it was because my work and personal life were too tangled up. Walking through Midtown’s busy streets every day, I felt like I was permanently stuck in work mode.

And the job itself was intense. I’ve always considered myself someone who thrives on the frontline — focused on micro-level details, and working closely with real people.

But here, I’d been thrown into a world of macro-level policies, political manoeuvring, and high-level meetings. The sheer volume of information overwhelmed me. I was even frustrated, unable to see how any of this could lead to tangible change, and the meaning of this.

So my answer stayed the same. “Not really a fan. It’s just another big city.”

Then one night, after dinner with a friend, I walked home through Times Square. The streets were packed with people, most of them tourists holding up phones for pictures and videos, or video-calling family and friends to show them "This is New York".

Watching the crowds, the lights, and the endless stream of cars, caught myself thinking: Is this a city I really can’t like at all?

I began replaying other moments.

Like the day I joined my boss for a meeting with the Ugandan ambassador to the UN. They talked about creating more jobs for refugees and helping them become self-reliant. Afterwards, my boss asked, “Does this feel too abstract to you?”

“Not at all. Coming from the frontline, I can picture exactly how these ideas would work on the ground — and the potential challenges.”

Or the time after following the Israel-Palestine issue for long, I saw a journalist friend in Lebanon post a video report from Beirut. In the footage, he was waering a helmet, calmly describing the scene. I immediately emailed him all the UN press releases and statements about Lebanon, hoping to ease some of the information overload.

Instead of ending with “Best regards,”

I wrote, “Stay safe.”

And then there was the day, I was racing to make it to the African Union on time, clutching documents and a laptop, sprinting through the streets of New York with my boss. We met the AU ambassador — a graceful and brilliant lady — and had a heartfelt and meaningful conversation. Seeing her quiet yet unshakable strength was inspiring. It was also the moment I realized that even though macro-level discussions can be abstract, they have the power to create structural changes that eventually ripple down to the ground.

Outside of work, life has its perks too.

Weekends are for trying new restaurants, catching a comedy show, or taking road trips. Sometimes, I even surprise myself by finding joy in small acts of kindness — something my mom always encouraged me to do. My old friend is also here in NYC. Even though we’re all busy and we don’t get to meet often, we still have those moments. Like the time we suddenly got emotional, reminiscing about how different life feels compared to our 22-year-old expectations. In the middle of it, she abruptly said, “Wait, I need to poop. Let’s cry later.” It was ridiculous, but it also made me realize we haven’t changed a bit even after all these years.

Now that I think about it, maybe New York hasn’t been so bad to me. It’s challenged me in ways I didn’t expect — forcing me to question myself and the world around me. But it’s also given me the chance to unlearn, to see things in a new light.

I’m grateful for the constant flow — from one extreme to another. While I still believe I’m better suited for the frontline, who knows?

Theoretical knowledge might be grey, but staying in motion feels right. Because, in the end, the tree of life stays evergreen only when it keeps growing.